P. S. Just in case you're wondering, live blogging for four straight hours is exhausting.
12:16 AM EST
Oh well. Someday small budget independent films will get their due. Ellen DeGeneres makes her first good hosting choice by shutting the heck up and just ending the ceremony quickly. Night all.
12:15 AM EST
Now that Scorsese has his statue, pleeeeeeaaase let Little Miss Sunshine win Best Picture.
12:09 AM EST
"Better to give than to receive?" Hmmmmmm. I'm not sure what that exchange says about the relations ship between George Lucas and Spielberg and Coppola. Best Director isn't a surprise, but it's good that Martin Scorsese finally won something.
12:05 AM EST
Good for Forrest Whitaker, but too bad for Peter O'Toole (who looked like he might give up the ghost right then and there when the announced the winner). I mean, the man was Lawrence of frickin' Arabia after all. Forrest Whitacker's story is an inspiring one of overcoming obstacles. That's right in America it is possible for someone to star in a short-lived UPN original series and still go on to win an Oscar.
11:41 PM EST
All right! The artistic vision which drives a film. Finally best director....no, no, wait. Best Film Editing. Going to get a snack...
11:29 PM EST
And the night sinks to a new low as Ellen uses a joke (which wasn't funny the first time) again. Actually, since she previously did a joke-recycling joke, this is like a double plus unfunny redundancy. Also, John Travolta takes a small lead in the evenings lackluster race for "Most ridiculous performance by a Scientologist." Seriously, these guys are letting me down.
11:18 PM EST
I can see there is a reason why this guy got stuck doing the commentary backstage. Props to Tom Hanks for subtle smackdown.
11:16 PM EST
YES! Little Miss Sunshine for best original screen play. There is hope for mankind.
11:01 PM EST
I say no speaking in tongues. Oh wait, he's speaking Italian. nm.
10:55 PM EST
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! Please God no! Not Celine Dion! I just got that awful Titanic song after years of counseling. Bring back Milissa Ethridge or Randy Newman. Well, maybe not.
10:50 PM EST
Damn it. Since when is it the point of the Academy Awards to "alert people to an grave threat?" For that matter, what about "Jesus Camp?" I think people need to be warned about Pentecostals way more urgently than they need to be warned about global warming.
Just kidding my Pentecostal/Charismatic friends. All in good fun. Please don't speak in tongues at me or wash my feet or anything.
10:45 PM EST
Oh good, I always love to see Jerry Seinfeld...presenting best documentary for some reason. I hope "Jesus Camp" wins if for no other reason than that "An Inconvenient Truth" doesn't. *snigger* "Three goobers that have been soda welded there since 'The Shawshank Redemption'".
10:42 PM EST
Oh my! Somebody do something. I think a black widow spider has lain its eggs all over the shoulder of that poor woman's dress. You really need to check those things when you take them out of storage. Quick, send Ellen to get some Raid or something before one of them hatches and bits Gael Garcia Bernal!
10:38 PM EST
I think Jennifer Hudson just implied that God hates Abigail Breslin. That's what I heard at least. Climatological note in honor of Al Gore: this time they didn't let George Clooney talk long enough to threaten the safety of South Park. *sigh of relief*
10:30 PM EST
Hehe, okay, I changed my mind. Eating Ellen DeGeneres and forming Snakes on a Plane. I forgive the bizarre shadow people...for now.
10:25 PM EST
I guess if Penelope Cuiz' movie gets best feer'in language fillm it might make up for Ellen misstating what kind of Mexican she is. Oh wait, that wasn't a nominee, just part of a montage illustrating...um...examples of films in foreign languages I guess, in case there was confusion of what that term meant. Nevertheless, my "what kind of Mexican" joke stands, and I dedicate it to Mike Benevidez, my favorite Mexican.
10:10 PM EST
Whaa? Sorry, I just woke up from my humanitarian award nap to find that Ellen has traded her Ladies Man suit for a tampon costume and is accosting Clint Eastwood for some reason. Grudgingly, I must say that her introduction for Gwyneth Paltrow was actually kinda funny.
9:55 PM EST
Borat did not win best adapted screenplay. NOT great success. I blame the Jews and whatever gypsy magic is going on behind that back lit screen.
9:52 PM EST
Addendum to below: an alcoholism joke while presenting an award for writters. Also fitting.
9:48 PM EST
To honor our industry's screenwriters, the true geniuses behind the actors we see on screen, the unsung heroes who don't get a fraction of the attention they deserve, we present...more actors. Oh well, I guess actors pretending to be writers is better than writers pretending to be actors. And presented by Ben Affleck, how fitting.
9:44 PM EST
Ha ha! Get it? Ellen is making a joke by pretending to be unfunny. I think. Right? I can't tell...
9:40 PM EST
We do I suddenly feel the urge to empty three cans of hair spray into the air? Wait...Wait..Wait for it...Ooooooo! Al Gore BALEETED! No really, I'm super super cereal.
9:25 PM EST
It's good to see how much fun Abigail Breslin seems to genuinely be having. Maybe her childstardom won't suck our her soul and she'll have a chance at a normal life. One can hope.
9:20 PM EST
Can somewhere tell me what's going on? Rachel Weiss' necklace is blinding me.
9:15 PM EST
Michael the boss, meet Simon the fag.
9:12 PM EST
This sound effects choir is like a life-sized statue of Danny Divito made entirely of Laffy Taffy: cool but, why?
8:55 PM EST
L.O.L. Hearing Jack Black threatening to elbow Leonardo DiCaprio in the larynx made my evening. This musical number must be the Academy's apology for letting Ellen DeGeneres host (it's not because she's gay, it's because she's not funny).
8:49 PM EST
Interesting. Pirates of the Caribbean didn't win best art direction. That's the designated "too plebeian but everybody went to see them and they ungodly amounts of money" award. Oh well, maybe there's a chance with Best Costume Design or some such.
8:43 PM EST
Dear God! Another "Al Gore was really elected in 2000" joke. It was six years ago. Get over it!
8:40 PM EST
Ellen DeGeneres proves early on that she's still not funny. Also, maroon crushed velvet pantsuit, open collar, gold chain, why did she come dressed as Tim Meadows in "The Ladies Man"?
8:34 PM EST
While this...whatever it is plays I will use the time to give, not my predictions, but my preferences for the top categories.
Best Picture: Little Miss Sunshine
Best Director: Martin Scorsese
Best Actor: Peter O'Toole (didn't see the movie, but come on, the man was robbed with Lawrence of Arabia)*
Best Actress: Judi Dench or Helen Mirren, anyone old and British
Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin
Best Supporting Actress: Abigail Breslin
Best Original Screenplay: Little Miss Sunshine
Best Adapted Screenplay: Borat, of course
*After doing a little research I discovered that in 1963 he lost out to Gregory Peck's portayal of Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird. So he wasn't robbed, but he still desearves a Best Actor for Lawrence of Arabia. The Academy should have made an exception and given them both Best Actor or something.
8:27 PM EST
Sorry, my mom called. Give me a second to catch up.
8:18 PM EST
OMG! Who is this guy doing interviews? He sounds like Tony Sinclair's portly uncle.
8:13 PM EST
Oh dear God! Is that the Magnetic Fields in a commercial? Civilization is circling the drain.
8:11 PM EST
Ah, the red carpet. This should be good since Ellen DeGeneres is hosting. She knows a thing or two about carpet. Zing! Seriously, jokes about Ellen's lifestyle are cheap and tasteless and totally undeserving of a sophisticated commentary. That is why I'll be doing a lot of it.
In a desperate ploy to generate content for my embryonic (fledgling is overused) blog, I will attempt to live blog the Oscars! I haven't live blogged anything since I did Cheney's internal monologue for the crowd in Red Hill during the 2004 vice presidential debates, so here it goes. Or, since this is in the reverse chronological blog format, there it went.
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